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Diary post of thoughts…

Its that question you get asked all the time, are you having any more? you done? You must be ready for another? … Yes! I’m so desperate to have another baby but my husband says he’s done! But it upsets me so much after all it’s me thats with them 90% of the time, so what’s wrong with wanting more…?

Having a baby can be such a challenge for so many people that I feel truly blessed to have had the chance to have three beautiful babies to brighten my world. “What’s she on about” I hear you say, “she should just be happy to have three!”. Your right and I am, I’m over the moon with my beautiful family and I thank the Lord every single day that I got to have the children I have. To fall pregnant, to feel the joy of carrying a baby, to feel it kick, to experience the happiness people feel when you tell them your expecting, I even loved the morning sickness, uncomfortable moments, lack of sleep, swollen bits, piles, itchy feet, bad circulation, pains I have never experienced, and finally the first moment you see, touch, hold and smell your beautiful new born baby! Some of those may seem awful things but when they all end with the joy of a baby in your arms, it’s worth every single moment and us women are made to forget the bad bits, that’s why we do it again and again! ¬†My husband and I have to agree to have another and be sure it’s right, right for both of us, I could never push him into it. So I have to accept I’m done to, although it makes me feel sick and like my heart aches for more.

So, I will never have another baby, never be pregnant again, never feel all those feelings, good or bad and never watch another beautiful baby of mine grow into a gorgeous toddler! That makes me so emotional, so sad, I feel for those unable to conceive, those struggling to get what they want. I feel saddened by the fact that God gave me three and another beautiful lady none, what’s that all about? My husbands the sensible one, the practical one, the scared one after he nearly lost me when I miscarried a baby and the hospital staff said they hadn’t seen a case like it in over 15 years… I understand his fears but I have had the joys of birthing my own. And it’s not that, that I want. It’s the beautiful child that just wants a loving home, that’s what I crave. I want to be able to share the love we have as a family with others. To give a child a safe place to be, to give them a HOME! Since seeing orphanages on the TV as I child I have always wanted to adopt but my husband says no! Maybe I just need to accept it or maybe I should just wait a few years. Do I just want to adopt for my own reasons that I can’t bare to not have another? Am I done? Do I wait a bit longer? So many questions to answer but at the moment one question I can answer, do I want more?….. Yes!

Discussion still open I think….

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